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Post by gaseousclay on Aug 17, 2015 13:04:24 GMT -6
I know quite a few of you are dads and have little ones running around. I'm curious how you guys have handled parenting and dealing with the daily ins and outs of adolescence? I have a 2.5 yo boy and he's great. But, we're still working on some issues he's had with using hitting and biting his classmates at school. He knows it's unacceptable to bite or use 'bad hands' with anyone, but when he gets excited this seems to be how he lets it all out.
Last night we sat down before bed time and I let him watch Superman Returns. There's the scene toward the end where Lex Luthor starts kicking a weakened Superman. After the movie my son started mimicking the kicking he saw in the film and started to yell, "i'm a bad man." He thought it was funny but I had to pull him aside and tell him that this movie was make believe and that in real life we don't kick or hit people. We're supposed to behave like Superman and be kind to others as well as help others. My fear is that he'll try to copy certain things he sees on television, even though we limit what he watches. In hindsight, it was probably innappropriate to allow him to watch Superman Returns but he's got a Superman hat and that's all he's talked about recently. I probably should've had him watch the Christopher Reeves films instead.
So how do you guys deal with innappropriate behavior from your kids?
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Post by Old26 on Aug 17, 2015 13:50:40 GMT -6
That's tough. We literally had no issues with any of the kids until our oldest daughter turned ~12. From there on out, it was and continues to be a disaster with her. To be "fair" to her, she (has a different father than me) has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, so there's that. But it's very hard to deal with, and I've essentially written her off (at 31 now) as it's been too much, too long.
The other two kids, both younger, have been great. Not perfect mind you, just within normal range of what kids do and they've turned out great (22 and 28).
We didn't have those kinds of issues, and I have to say, I'd probably ask someone/see someone professional with that type of behavior. Don't know if you have any pets? How kids treat animals is a good indicator. It might be nothing, but we didn't see anything like that in the kids, even though the oldest one has had issues with getting into fights with boyfriends and other girls/women later on.
There's just no manual with kids. It's great and challenging, and at times, you wish you'd have thought twice about it. But I'd probably ask someone who is an expert on such things...
Best of luck - I mean that.
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Post by exophobe on Aug 17, 2015 15:57:03 GMT -6
I know quite a few of you are dads and have little ones running around. I'm curious how you guys have handled parenting and dealing with the daily ins and outs of adolescence? I have a 2.5 yo boy and he's great. But, we're still working on some issues he's had with using hitting and biting his classmates at school. He knows it's unacceptable to bite or use 'bad hands' with anyone, but when he gets excited this seems to be how he lets it all out. Last night we sat down before bed time and I let him watch Superman Returns. There's the scene toward the end where Lex Luthor starts kicking a weakened Superman. After the movie my son started mimicking the kicking he saw in the film and started to yell, "i'm a bad man." He thought it was funny but I had to pull him aside and tell him that this movie was make believe and that in real life we don't kick or hit people. We're supposed to behave like Superman and be kind to others as well as help others. My fear is that he'll try to copy certain things he sees on television, even though we limit what he watches. In hindsight, it was probably innappropriate to allow him to watch Superman Returns but he's got a Superman hat and that's all he's talked about recently. I probably should've had him watch the Christopher Reeves films instead. So how do you guys deal with innappropriate behavior from your kids? Yeah, Christopher Reeve Superman is probably the only one appropriate for little kids, Man of Steel is crazy violent and Superman Returns... well, I'm amazed if you got him through the 2.5 hour runtime (hell, I don't even have patience for that thing). Have you considered getting him involved in something that lets him be more physical in a controlled environment to burn off that energy? From what you've shared here your separation hasn't been terribly pleasant, so also keep in mind that the little guy is feeding off of the emotions both of you have about the separation. But if you look at something like Tae Kwon Do or something that teaches discipline and lets him work out aggression maybe that would help him. Or if you can't afford lessons just get him some little boxing gloves and start letting him learn how to box, and let him know that it's only okay when the gloves are on (just make sure you also wear protective gear even though he won't be hurting you so that he relates hitting being okay to someone ready for it). The little guy has likely got some shit to work through that you guys don't realize. This is from someone without kids, so take it as you will. Know that I don't mean to be condescending or anything, it was just a big help to me when I was a kid. |
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Post by david2403 on Aug 17, 2015 16:10:37 GMT -6
First you have to teach him to not be aggressive by modeling non-aggressive behavior and rewarding him when he demonstrates the behavior you want him to display. When he does become aggressive redirect him and reward when he displays your target behavior. I would keep verbal interactions to a minimum when aggressive. Just sternly redirect and a short reminder of what he can earn if his choices improve. That's a beginning.
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Post by Winterland on Aug 17, 2015 17:03:23 GMT -6
Our youngest is a 9 year old boy. We have been lucky and haven't seen any kind of aggressive behavior. I do know we limit what he watches on TV and video games.
Take a look at his diet too if he is getting too much sugar, processed foods etc.
We watch very mellow kids shows.
There is a lot of good stuff on the Sprout channel.
Definitely no Spongebob or other hyper active crazy cartoon shows. Those shows boggle my brain if I watch them.
Ones we like a lot are Kipper the Dog, Thomas the Train, Shaun the Sheep. I see a trend here.
We put those on in the evening to wind down for bed and work very well.
Good luck.
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Post by scooter on Aug 17, 2015 17:52:01 GMT -6
First you have to teach him to not be aggressive by modeling non-aggressive behavior and rewarding him when he demonstrates the behavior you want him to display. When he does become aggressive redirect him and reward when he displays your target behavior. I would keep verbal interactions to a minimum when aggressive. Just sternly redirect and a short reminder of what he can earn if his choices improve. That's a beginning. Sound advice. I have a daughter. She turned 9, this past Wednesday. She was diagnosed PDD-NOS, nearly 6 years ago. She is a high functioning Autistic. She definitely has her moments with aggressive behavior. Redirection has always worked well with her, especially, when coupled with the consequences of her actions. Though, be certain to have a relatively calm, cool, and collected demeanor. Early on, my impatience would often get the better of me, and I would respond in an angered, or aggressive tone, myself. Trust me, when I say, any aggression will only exacerbate the situation. |
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Post by david2403 on Aug 17, 2015 18:08:01 GMT -6
First you have to teach him to not be aggressive by modeling non-aggressive behavior and rewarding him when he demonstrates the behavior you want him to display. When he does become aggressive redirect him and reward when he displays your target behavior. I would keep verbal interactions to a minimum when aggressive. Just sternly redirect and a short reminder of what he can earn if his choices improve. That's a beginning. Sound advice. I have a daughter. She turned 9, this past Wednesday. She was diagnosed PDD-NOS, nearly 6 years ago. She is a high functioning Autistic. She definitely has her moments with aggressive behavior. Redirection has always worked well with her, especially, when coupled with the consequences of her actions. Though, be certain to have a relatively calm, cool, and collected demeanor. Early on, my impatience would often get the better of me, and I would respond in an angered, or aggressive tone, myself. Trust me, when I say, any aggression will only exacerbate the situation. You may also want to temporarily limit access to any aggressively themed technology such a TV, movies, music and video games. |
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Post by jray on Aug 17, 2015 18:20:58 GMT -6
gaseousclay - that's a tough one - we have 3 young girls and it's never easy. There's a good book that explains the reason for and how to deal with such behavior called "magic 1,2,3" that we'd used and had some success. I recommend it to you.
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Post by devastitis on Aug 17, 2015 18:26:29 GMT -6
Sound advice. I have a daughter. She turned 9, this past Wednesday. She was diagnosed PDD-NOS, nearly 6 years ago. She is a high functioning Autistic. She definitely has her moments with aggressive behavior. Redirection has always worked well with her, especially, when coupled with the consequences of her actions. Though, be certain to have a relatively calm, cool, and collected demeanor. Early on, my impatience would often get the better of me, and I would respond in an angered, or aggressive tone, myself. Trust me, when I say, any aggression will only exacerbate the situation. You may also want to temporarily limit access to any aggressively themed technology such a TV, movies, music and video games. this seems like a big influence, at least from what was written. Even superman engages in violence, and at that age, it may not make a difference if it's for good or for evil, just that the aggressive violence looks pretty cool. |
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Post by ickes on Aug 17, 2015 20:20:28 GMT -6
I know quite a few of you are dads and have little ones running around. I'm curious how you guys have handled parenting and dealing with the daily ins and outs of adolescence? I have a 2.5 yo boy and he's great. But, we're still working on some issues he's had with using hitting and biting his classmates at school. He knows it's unacceptable to bite or use 'bad hands' with anyone, but when he gets excited this seems to be how he lets it all out. Last night we sat down before bed time and I let him watch Superman Returns. There's the scene toward the end where Lex Luthor starts kicking a weakened Superman. After the movie my son started mimicking the kicking he saw in the film and started to yell, "i'm a bad man." He thought it was funny but I had to pull him aside and tell him that this movie was make believe and that in real life we don't kick or hit people. We're supposed to behave like Superman and be kind to others as well as help others. My fear is that he'll try to copy certain things he sees on television, even though we limit what he watches. In hindsight, it was probably innappropriate to allow him to watch Superman Returns but he's got a Superman hat and that's all he's talked about recently. I probably should've had him watch the Christopher Reeves films instead. So how do you guys deal with innappropriate behavior from your kids? I'm a single father to two beautiful girls, age 14 and 9, and I wish I could give you a definitive answer to this issue but I can't. Fortunately I can honestly say that I've never had an issue like that with either one of my girls when they were younger, and maybe it's because of the simple fact that they are girls. Maybe girls are generally less aggressive than boys...I don't know....but what I can tell you is that you are already doing the right thing because you have recognized the problem and want to nip it in the bud. I agree with the fellas when they say you should probably cut out the violent movies and TV shows and stick to more laid back programs. I'm sure you'll figure it out and unfortunately there's no handbook for parenting children but all you can do is do your best. It's a beautiful ride my friend. IIRC you are going through a divorce/separation...if I can give you one piece of advice on that it would be to try and never let little man see mommy and daddy going at each others throats through all the shit you're going through right now. I know it's tough man and I know it can be a volatile situation...trust me I have been down that road brother, but stay calm and positive because baby momma drama will only hurt the little man and noone wants that. Stay strong for him, be his rock and in turn he will be your rock that will put a smile on your face and help you get through your rough days. Your bond will only grow stronger. |
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Post by brentkuz on Aug 17, 2015 20:33:39 GMT -6
I never want to procreate. I will say one thing I'm pretty sure he will forget the movie soon enough. Just watch other stuff. Like Fox News.
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Post by youwinatlife on Aug 18, 2015 4:09:14 GMT -6
I know quite a few of you are dads and have little ones running around. I'm curious how you guys have handled parenting and dealing with the daily ins and outs of adolescence? I have a 2.5 yo boy and he's great. But, we're still working on some issues he's had with using hitting and biting his classmates at school. He knows it's unacceptable to bite or use 'bad hands' with anyone, but when he gets excited this seems to be how he lets it all out. Last night we sat down before bed time and I let him watch Superman Returns. There's the scene toward the end where Lex Luthor starts kicking a weakened Superman. After the movie my son started mimicking the kicking he saw in the film and started to yell, "i'm a bad man." He thought it was funny but I had to pull him aside and tell him that this movie was make believe and that in real life we don't kick or hit people. We're supposed to behave like Superman and be kind to others as well as help others. My fear is that he'll try to copy certain things he sees on television, even though we limit what he watches. In hindsight, it was probably innappropriate to allow him to watch Superman Returns but he's got a Superman hat and that's all he's talked about recently. I probably should've had him watch the Christopher Reeves films instead. So how do you guys deal with innappropriate behavior from your kids? ...I'm sure you'll figure it out and unfortunately there's no handbook for parenting children but all you can do is do your best. It's a beautiful ride my friend. IIRC you are going through a divorce/separation... if I can give you one piece of advice on that it would be to try and never let little man see mommy and daddy going at each others throats through all the shit you're going through right now... To pick up from here - and not that I'm an expert, I'm raising a 3.5 and 6 week old... My two cents is that whilst it is definitely okay to have a moment of vulnerability in front of the kids, like, crying... complaining about or criticising the other parent will only eventually put up a wall between you and the child. As for appropriate material for children, this is something I think we all struggle with. I found this site somewhere - www.kids-in-mind.com/ - and I think looking at it for me, it was just like thinking "oh, I'm letting A KID watch this stuff" for the very first time. (Like, it took me a serious moment of consideration to think about how in the Lego movie that the Morgan Freeman character GETS HIS HEAD CUT OFF AND HE DIES). It has been inconvenient (inconvenient!) to almost always put aside my personal preferences. I rarely play the video games I love anymore, because I don't want my son to be obsessed with screens and seeing gore and hearing swears just yet. He just doesn't have the capacity to think critically and process input like that. As for inappropriate behaviour - oh my god. Definitely not an expert here. Remaining calm is key for my kid because anything else just escalates the situation. I usually try to affirm the person, but discourage the behaviour and give a reason why, and suggest a positive alternative. Which seems mostly like what you've done. That alternative doesn't always need to be Superman either - you're the greatest hero this kid has right now, because you're real.
You're a good person. You're compassionate and gentle. You protect people from bullies. And so you get to own those ideals for yourself and for your family when you teach your kid about them more than any fictional character. "Lex Luthor kicks people but we aren't like him. We are good people and we help others, we don't hurt them." Sorry. That's the rantiest I've been on the internet in a long time. Sincerely hoping and praying for all the best for you and yours. |
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Post by youwinatlife on Aug 18, 2015 4:13:25 GMT -6
looking at other posts above that i didn't see before i posted mine - well, they're all way better than mine.
nice work, guys!
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Post by gaseousclay on Aug 19, 2015 15:17:03 GMT -6
thanks for the feedback, guys. To be clear, we typically only allow our son to watch certain cartoons - stuff like Wild Kratts, Curious George, Thomas The Train, Daniel The Tiger, Odd Squad, etc. We read to him more than anything and also do a lot of activities like painting, cooking, yard work, etc. I think he just has difficulty controlling his 'excitement.' The incidences he's had at school usually involve his classmate and friend, with whom he's hit, bitten and kicked. But likewise, his classmate has done the same things to my son. Developmentally I was told this is normal behavior for a lot of kids, but it stresses me out when I hear from my son's teacher about what things he may have done.
Also, regarding my separation, my wife and I have never fought in front of our son, so i'm proud of that. We decided early on that we would never do this because of the potential effects it would have. We both grew up in abusive households and we knew from day one that we had to be on our best behavior when it came to our boy.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2015 21:29:10 GMT -6
I was a tender 19yrs old when the twins were born (Girl and boy), and 20 when we had our next daughter... Right before our youngest was born, I joined the Army and learned alot about discipline, that I subconsciously instilled in to my kids. Everyone always would say it to me, and I didn't recognize any of it at the time, but whatever it was worked.
Looking back, I can say that I see that I was very much so an " in your face" style parent, from the moment they understood the meaning of the word "No", or when I noticed them actually sneaking to do things that they knew were wrong. I wasn't a "yeller", and avoided spanking as much as possible (Though they are, imho, very appropriate at times and in moderation). What I was though, was consistent, stern and loving. All positive actions garnered praise, and negative actions were dealt with in the spot, fairly and in a way that they could relate to at whatever age they were. I can say, there was never a behavior issue that couldn't be fixed. Even now, the twins are 9.5, and my youngest is about to be 8, there is rarely a day that if we were to go somewhere, me or my now ex-wife aren't questioned about "How do you have such well mannered/behaved kids?!"...
My advice to all parents is to read some books on parent/child relationships and child psychology from a parenting perspective.
And lastly, I live by this quote from Gen. George Patton: "There is only one type of discipline; PERFECT DISCIPLINE".
Many people say it sounds too harsh, but in fact, life is far easier because of this. My kids are STILL kids, who all have freedom of creativity, freedom to explore their surroundings, freedom to express themselves (So long as it is respectful, they can tell me anything their hearts desire) and are so amazingly happy and loving. They rarely argue amongst other, and all have excelled in there education to this point, testing far beyond their peers and one has been skipped forward a grade.
*Sorry if I rambled, but honestly PARENTING is probably one of my favorite things to discuss, faaaaaaar more so than denim, lol.
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Post by brentkuz on Aug 20, 2015 5:18:58 GMT -6
I was a tender 19yrs old when the twins were born (Girl and boy), and 20 when we had our next daughter... Right before our youngest was born, I joined the Army and learned alot about discipline, that I subconsciously instilled in to my kids. Everyone always would say it to me, and I didn't recognize any of it at the time, but whatever it was worked. Looking back, I can say that I see that I was very much so an " in your face" style parent, from the moment they understood the meaning of the word "No", or when I noticed them actually sneaking to do things that they knew were wrong. I wasn't a "yeller", and avoided spanking as much as possible (Though they are, imho, very appropriate at times and in moderation). What I was though, was consistent, stern and loving. All positive actions garnered praise, and negative actions were dealt with in the spot, fairly and in a way that they could relate to at whatever age they were. I can say, there was never a behavior issue that couldn't be fixed. Even now, the twins are 9.5, and my youngest is about to be 8, there is rarely a day that if we were to go somewhere, me or my now ex-wife aren't questioned about "How do you have such well mannered/behaved kids?!"... My advice to all parents is to read some books on parent/child relationships and child psychology from a parenting perspective. And lastly, I live by this quote from Gen. George Patton: "There is only one type of discipline; PERFECT DISCIPLINE". Many people say it sounds too harsh, but in fact, life is far easier because of this. My kids are STILL kids, who all have freedom of creativity, freedom to explore their surroundings, freedom to express themselves (So long as it is respectful, they can tell me anything their hearts desire) and are so amazingly happy and loving. They rarely argue amongst other, and all have excelled in there education to this point, testing far beyond their peers and one has been skipped forward a grade. *Sorry if I rambled, but honestly PARENTING is probably one of my favorite things to discuss, faaaaaaar more so than denim, lol. Man I couldn't imagine having three kids before I was having a legal drink! Maybe you are more mature than I was but damn I feel at 19 I never could have handled a child. All I cared about was beer, chicks, turbo cars and my sports bike. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2015 6:09:00 GMT -6
I wasn't ready either, until they were born. I'm grateful, 100%. Gave me the drive to be great
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Post by gaseousclay on Aug 21, 2015 6:16:11 GMT -6
I grew up in a military household and believe me, my dad whooped our asses when we got out of line. Because of this, I decided that spanking or any sort of physical discipline would be off limits. There has to be a better way of being firm with children without resorting to spanking.
I'm reading a parenting book right now, the name of which escapes me, and it's been tremendously helpful. One of the bits of info of note is that children tend to act out when they feel they're not being listened to or when their feelings are being ignored. Showing more empathy helps with this issue. For example, a couple days ago my son bit his classmate again. When I got to the house, I asked him about it and there were a couple of things that stood out when he responded. He first said that he wanted his mommy. This may sound pretty vague but to me it made perfect sense. I had taken him to school and was going to pick him up, but his mom usually does this, so I think the change in routine upset him. Second, he had mentioned something about his classmate and his teacher telling him to stop whining. Again, his teacher and classmate were ignoring his feelings and basically telling him to shut up, so he acted out and bit his classmate. I'm not saying that his response was justified but merely pointing out that there were specific reasons why he bit his friend.
Either way, I still talk to him about how his improper behavior. It'll still be a work in progress but my hope is that he eventually understands the consequences of his actions.
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Post by brentkuz on Aug 24, 2015 8:30:50 GMT -6
I was raised by my grandparents WW2 generation navy family....it's better to be feared than loved. Spare the rod spoil the child.
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Post by gaseousclay on Aug 24, 2015 13:42:36 GMT -6
I was raised by my grandparents WW2 generation navy family....it's better to be feared than loved. Spare the rod spoil the child. I don't know if I agree with your sentiment. Every person I know that grew up in a miliitary household had an abusive parent and it's not something I care to model for my own son. There are ways to discipline your child without resorting to hitting, spanking or screaming at them. I'm not judging how others choose to parent but I will not do to my son what my father did to me. |
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Post by brentkuz on Aug 24, 2015 13:53:36 GMT -6
I never said abusive. Spanking doesn't always equal abusive.
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Post by gaseousclay on Apr 7, 2016 5:58:58 GMT -6
alright, fellow forum dads, I need some advice on potty training for my boy. My son is now 3 and I feel like i've hit a wall with potty training. We've switched to pull-ups to get him used to the idea of underwear but he still refuses to tell us that he needs to use the bathroom. Instead, he'll just do his business in his pull-up, or hold it in. In the last week alone he's peed on my floor and on my bed, but that was likely because his pull-up leaked. We encourage him to tell us when he needs to go so he can sit on the potty. I follow his body language too. He ends up pacing back and forth when he needs to go but he refuses to go to the bathroom.
I feel a little guilty because in the two instances where he peed on the floor and bed I had inadvertently shamed him, which is not what you're supposed to do. I think my response was something like, "look what you did, you peed on my bed," or some such thing. I'm likely making things worse for him and now I think he may be afraid to use the potty. When i've taken him to the bathroom to practice he gets upset, whereas before it wasn't really a problem.
So what the hell am I doing wrong? I know I need to change how I respond to the situation. After the peeing incidents and after I calmed down I told him that it wasn't his fault and that it was an accident. I've never raised my voice at him but I'm afraid I've made things worse. Are there any full-proof ways to get my son used to the idea of graduating to the potty chair instead of doing his business in his pull-up?
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Post by jray on Apr 7, 2016 6:32:13 GMT -6
It sounds like you need a wheening off strategy. For one of my daughters who wouldn't let go of her pacifier, we used a strategy that if she got rid of it, the pacifier fairy would give her a stuffed animal as a reward. It took a bit of time, but it worked and she never asked for it again. Maybe reward him every time he goes.
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Post by gaseousclay on Apr 7, 2016 6:55:10 GMT -6
It sounds like you need a wheening off strategy. For one of my daughters who wouldn't let go of her pacifier, we used a strategy that if she got rid of it, the pacifier fairy would give her a stuffed animal as a reward. It took a bit of time, but it worked and she never asked for it again. Maybe reward him every time he goes. the reward system is also confusing. I read an article that stated rewarding a child for using the potty can have negative effects. I try to take these bits of advice with a grain of salt but it's hard to separate the truth from the fluff. I know I'm definitely part of the problem because I tend to take the path of least resistence. For example, my ex has done well in getting our son to stop using his pacifier, but when he's with me I let him use it for bedtime. I'm basically telling him that's it's ok and that when he's with dad he's allowed to do certain things. Likewise, I allow him to watch cartoons on my cell phone because it allows me to do things like make food, do the dishes, etc. The problem is that he now asks me all the time if he can watch tv, even after he wakes up in the morning. That's not his fault. It's my fault for not setting limits. |
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Post by jray on Apr 7, 2016 7:00:18 GMT -6
For sure, consistency is the key because young kids are easily confused. Not counseling you here at all, I would try and use the same ruleset your ex used for the pacifier and tv. And, try the reward for the potty or ask her what she's doing for this and what she's done for the pacifier.
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